Will the 2012 Opening Ceremonies Be Anywhere Near As Good As the 2008 Opening Ceremonies? -- Stanek's Comment

Apologies on the long delay, it's been a terribly busy week. I must profess a certain disinterest in this subject; neither the Olympics nor London are particularly exciting to me and putting them together is potentially a bigger snoozefest than the Mark Warner keynote at the Democratic convention. However, with the traditional American political season kickoff this Labor Day Weekend, I'm drawn to a certain aspect of the Olympic games: the real point of that pageantry, the real stakes in the high-speed races between men-fish, the real reason we pretend for a week that running is an interesting sport that requires commentary from Bob Costas.

That reason, of course, is that someone figured out how to take a game of Risk and turn it into a two-week athletic competition. That's right, the endgame is nothing short of world domination, won one synchronized diving medal at a time (well, I guess you probably win two at a time). The tradition at least goes back as far as the 1936 games when He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named(-Lest-Godwin's-Law-Smite-Me) used the occasion to both showcase his nation's progress and popularize the snazziest dance of the '30s, the goose-step. Subsequent games were marked by boycotts, political killings, and always, always showboating. Fans the world over were dismayed when the first Post-Cold War games--the 1992 Barcelona Summer Olympics--eliminated what had hitherto been one of the most popular events: the pissing contest (only the United States and the Soviet Union were allowed to participate).*

Stepping in to fill the void this year was that new up-and-comer, China. Amid the dazzling displays of hive-mindery, government-stolen youth, and more bling than Midas' collection of Braille books was a simple message: "America, if we can hit that bull's eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. . . Checkmate!" (translation from the original Chinese was provided by Zapp Brannigan) In other words, if we can indeed give you a run for your money in this game of Risk in 2008, in a few years you'll be back to playing Checkers (Chinese or otherwise). Leave the global strategizing to us; your day is done. Nothing spells an end to hegemony like a bronze medal.

It doesn't help that to much of the world's citizenry--especially Americans--the Olympic Games have a greater legitimacy than the United Nations. Russia invaded Georgia? Perhaps we can resolve this issue on the uneven bars? The world apparently stands as one only for a two week period in even-numbered years. But for those who can't demonstrate their importance in the world through their medal count, another option exists: hosting privileges! Presumably in their desperation to prove they still deserve a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council, the Brits will try and put on a hell of a show in 2012. But--barring an opening ceremony prominently featuring Gropecunt--they will fail to live up to the example set by the Chinese. They would be wise to lower expectations and instead aim at beating their successor city, Chicago (or Madrid or Rio de Janeiro or Tokyo). The crumbled empire has a better chance of besting the crumbling empire than it does the ascending empire. Though, let's face it: Chicago will still kick London's ass.


*This event usually ended in a tie.