Will the 2012 Opening Ceremonies Be Anywhere Near As Good As the 2008 Opening Ceremonies? Teshale

*The general idea of this essay has been broached, by myself, in much abbreviated form elsewhere on the internet. Just so you know. I frequent forums. Do not let this dissuade you from perusing the following, dear reader.

So, with a giant memory tower of people , the latest Olympic ceremonies have come to a close. I hear there were some sporting competitions between ceremonies. Unsurprisingly, China offered organization, enthusiasm, and manpower beyond already high expectations; NBC commentary estimated that there were as many as a million volunteers at the Games this year. The two thousand and eight men that drummed their way through the opening ceremonies were awesome to behold, not to mention all the other dancers. Apparently the drummers were told to smile as much as possible because otherwise they appeared rather threatening, but as I watched them perform, I’m sure I was not the only one sitting in my pajamas at home feeling a little unnerved at just how unbelievably in sync all those people were. Truly, the whole world was united, in feeling slightly inadequate. Imagine how the British, hosts of the 2012 games, felt. From the sleepy town of Fenny Compton, which seems to be the most stereotypical Small Village I Have Never Heard Of I have ever heard of, to the annals of Whitehall, that sound you hear is an entire city collectively self-flagellating itself for the seemingly inevitable letdown of London 2012. Now, the Olympics were not only an opportunity for the host nation to try and outdo everyone else in how bombastic their ceremonies were. They were quite well-organized, with few sport-related controversies (apart from the 13-year-old... uh... 16-year-old gymnasts) and offered moments to fill years’ worth of inspirational Nike advertisments, although they could not quite manage to unite the world in peace and harmony for their whole run. Events were all on time. America watched the ascension of Michael Phelps into the heavens to sit at the seat of Olympus with his father, the mighty Zeus.** Kenyans celebrated their first marathon gold. The Japanese upset the Americans in the softball finals, and the Nigerians did not upset the Argentinians in the soccer finals. I myself laughed delightedly at the cruelty of it all, as some Australian guy very cheekily snatched the gold away from the Chinese in men’s 10-meter diving to prevent their clean sweep of diving events, literally with his last dive of the evening (four 10s, you guys. FOUR!!). Most everyone seemed satisfied with the affair, and the Chinese got a chance to show the world that their country was not simply a gigantic factory for all the stuff in your house, “guarded” from dissention by a firewall and overly friendly police.

The closing ceremonies were not quite as jaw-dropping as the opening, purely because at this point it was known what to expect rather than because of any failings on the hosts’ part. I do wonder why those drummers were wearing bike helmets, though, and I’d like to get my hands on one of those green lightbulb suits. But they did give the world a glance at what the 2012 Olympics might be like.

The next Olympics, as the double-decker bus and bowler-hatted dancers and twirling umbrellas and David Beckham gurning tipped everyone off, will take place in London. Watching the 8-minute transition perforance, one is struck by the difference between the two countries’ styles. China: manpower by the thousands. Incredible coordination. Breathtaking, if slightly lofty artistry. London: Jimmy Page. Of course there were dancers, wearing delightfully bizarre outfits meant to represent different segments of the new host city (I am sure I saw a dancer wearing a pinstripe suit with a graph of quarterly earnings on, I assume to represent the City) (as opposed to the city); there was a choir of young, hip-looking kids singing My Country Tis of Thee; there was an adorable little girl who represented the…I don’t know, there’s always an adorable little girl at the Olympics; all standard ceremony stuff, all very well. But all of this paled in comparison to a middle aged man who, even while being forced to mime playing, still rocked your face off.

Now anyone who knows anything about me knows that I am a crazy Anglophile. I can’t explain it. Look, the whole thing about inexplicable loves is that they are inexplicable, don't you judge me. So, in the interests of full disclosure I will admit that I am a sucker for most British things (apart from oppressive colonization, and racism, and blood sausage). I do not know how you can’t appreciate a city with a
suburb called Cockfosters, that named their red light district this. (This is not limited to London: see my book Rude Britain [2005] for more information.) But it seems that the people tearing their hair in grief about how awful their ceremonies are going to be are Londoners themselves, not anyone else. We love that Swinging London red double-decker bus stuff. (By we: I mean I.) Granted, they are the ones who will have to follow the Chinese show, not any of the other six billion of us, so they have a right to wonder. And granted, they are completely correct in thinking they cannot top the acrobatics and syncopation of the Chinese. But all of this self-hatred, while very British, is pointless. Nobody expects them to be as good as the Chinese at elaborate man movements, because almost no-one is as good as the Chinese at elaborate man movements. When the youth of the world,in answer to Jacques Rogge’s call, assemble four years from now in London, the British should stick to their strengths to welcome ‘em in their opening ceremony. These are: music, self-deprecation, probably fashion, soccer, and trendsetting. Don’t believe me about that last one? Two words for you: Swinging London(…baby.) All of these things were addressed in the Brits’ handover ceremony, which got the job done of stirring up some excitement for the next Olympics.

If all else fails, make the 2012 opening ceremonies a two-hour Led Zeppelin performance. There is nobody on Earth who will say the opening ceremonies were not awesome if this happens. Either way, I suspect Londoners’ harshest critics will be themselves-- four years from now people will probably only remember that the Chinese put on a spectacular show, recalling few of the actual events comprising it. The 2012 Opening Ceremonies will probably not be as awe-inspiring as the 2008 ceremonies, but I’m sure the Brits can work out an entertaining spectacle. And, there will always be David Beckham, and no doubt, good fireworks. (The British know fireworks.) (Too soon?)




**Props where they’re due, one of my friends and her family came up with that.

Note: Overworked, overconventioned (long live Teddy K!) Stanek's response will be...later.